Character Flaws: A Standalone Romantic Comedy Read online

  She’s panting hard, which makes me smile. But she doesn’t return the sentiment. Instead, she looks at me with uncertainty.

  “How can you kiss me like that – right here on Pat’s couch? Don’t you feel any shame or guilt?”

  I’m caught off guard by the question. Why the hell would I feel guilty?

  So I answer truthfully. “None whatsoever. What does he have to do with this? He doesn’t care.”

  “Ugh,” she grunts, obviously frustrated by my answer. “So you’re a two-timing douchebag?”

  Now this pisses me off. “Two-timing? I’m single. I’m not two-timing anyone.”

  “But Pat…”

  “Again, don’t see how he fits into the equation. Help me out here, Joey. You’re not making much sense.”

  “So you and Pat have an open relationship? Out of sight, out of mind?”

  Those two words, open and relationship have me wondering what the hell she’s asking.

  Does she think I’m…wait, no way. She couldn’t possibly. Have I given her any indication that I’m gay?

  I reach for her hand and she pulls it back. I grab it again, undeterred.

  “Joey, I think you may have the wrong idea about me and Pat. We’re just old friends. There’s nothing between us.”

  Her forehead squishes up in thought. “So you guys aren’t sleeping together?”

  I choke out a harsh laugh. “Uh, that’s a no.”

  “Are you bi?”

  “Am I bi what?”

  “Sexual,” she huffs out at me, throwing a hand in the air like I’m an idiot.

  Again, I laugh. “Uh, no. I’m as straight as they come.”

  She shakes her head, her fingers digging into her scalp.

  “But last night…I saw a message on your phone. A Grindr message. That’s a gay hookup app, isn’t it?”

  I almost choke with laughter.

  “Yes, it is. But it’s not for my use. Pat was having difficulty with a stalker, I guess. So he asked me if I could pose as his boyfriend and tell the guy to fuck off. I’d sent the dude a very clear message that Pat wasn’t interested or available.”

  Joey thinks this over for a second, trying to determine if that made sense. Her green eyes squint, as if she’s trying to work out a tough math problem.

  “Okay, but what about your ex. Al…he’s…”

  It takes me a second to understand the confusion. Al…Joey thought Al is a him, not a her.

  I yank out my phone from my pocket, open my photos and shove the last photo taken of Alyssa.

  “This is Alyssa. She’s my ex. I just called her Al for short.”

  As if the marque lights all just light up for her, Joey opens her mouth, jaw dropping.

  “Oh my God, you’re not gay!”

  She dissolves in a fit of giggles and I laugh with her, although I’m not sure it’s funny at all knowing that all this time she’s completely misread me.

  “Let me get this straight,” I begin, realizing my error in word choice as she laughs harder. “No pun intended. So all this time, you’ve thought I was gay or maybe bi?”

  She nods her head.

  “How? Why? I mean, shit, I don’t have anything against gay men. Obviously, I’m good friends with Patrick. But it doesn’t mean he’s fucking me in the ass.”

  Joey continues laughing until she’s doubled-over and snort laughing. She finally takes a breath.

  “Oh my God, Theo. I’m so relieved. You have no idea how lame and desperate I’ve felt for developing a crush on a gay man.”

  Joey blushes, sinking back down into the couch, her pink cheeks brightening.

  “You have a crush on me, huh?”

  This gets me an eye roll from her.

  “Maybe a little one.”

  I shift closer to her, my eyes growing serious as I stare at her beautiful face. She’s literally every guy’s girl next door dream girl. And I’m not dreaming any more.

  “I like knowing that. Because I have a big one on you.”

  She sucks on her bottom lip, still rosy and swollen from my kisses.

  “Well, that’s why I was confused. Because I felt that big one on me today.”

  She looks down at my crotch.

  Yeah, that’s right. I’m all that and more – my dick agrees.

  I scoot closer, our bare legs grazing against each other, as I place a hand at the base of her neck.

  “I may have a really good solution to clear up all this confusion once and for all,” I offer, a smirk on my lips.

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Give me your hand.”

  She eyes me curiously and does. I decide to be bold and alpha. It’s the least I can do for us.

  Her hand in mine, I make the bold move and place our joined hands over my dick, watching as her eyes grow dark and wide.

  “Did I do this?” she asks coyly.

  I confirm. “All you.”

  “I like that,” she admits. “Maybe we should go back into your room and practice those dirty scenes you left out of the play.”

  “I’m all for that. You need to assuage my tender and bruised ego for ever thinking I was gay.”

  Jumping to my feet, I yank her with me, stepping over Woody’s sleeping form and heading back to the bedroom, Joey laughing at my speed.

  “Well I’m sorry my hesitancy caused you any confusion. Because trust me, I’ve wanted you from the moment you opened your door that Sunday morning wearing those sexy little sleep shorts.”

  Joey stops and glances up. “Oh yeah?”

  We get to the bedroom door, I spin around, crushing my mouth to hers, kissing away any doubts that she may have had about me.

  She sinks into me as I cage her against the wall.

  I nibble at her neck, biting her earlobe that has her gasping and pressing her breasts against me.

  Pulling away, our breaths mingling, I latch my palm on one of her breast, squeezing hard, playfully thumbing over her harden nipples.

  “Now let me prove to you just how much I like these body parts on my lover.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Joey

  Come again?

  You know that scene in When Harry Met Sally when they’re at the diner and Sally demonstrates the fake orgasm that has everyone in the restaurant looking in her direction and wanting what she had?

  That’s exactly what I had last night.

  Three times.

  I’ve never experienced that level of sexual achievement in my entire adult life. Not even when left to my own devices with my BOB named Charlie Hunnam.

  It makes me question my sanity and instincts with the opposite sex. I must’ve been crazy to think all this time that Theo was into men. Because that guy knows his way around a female body.

  He’s like the human equivalent of Mapquest in all things boobs, coochie and female erogenous zones.

  And I thought he was gay?

  Not a chance in hell now that I know what he can do with his tongue.

  I blush as I lay on my side, propped up on my elbow, watching (not in a creepy way at all) Theo sleep. It’s barely eight thirty a.m. and while I’m not typically a morning person, and I should be exhausted after last night’s escapades in bed, I seem to have something akin to a sexual energy vibrating through my naked body.

  Tracing soft feathery touches down Theo’s side and arm, I close my eyes and remember all the touching, sucking and screwing we did last night.

  Theo stands in front of me and grabs the back of his t-shirt, whipping it over his head as I stare on in complete amazement at his torso.

  I had the opportunity to see him shirtless a few weeks back, but it was too dark to really appreciate the man’s sexy abs and cleanly defined pecs. He’s admitted to me that he’s not normally a gym guy, but has been using Pat’s weights and rowing machine since living there. And let me tell you, folks – it’s done the trick.

  His shoulders are broad and strong and his pecs flex as he lifts his arms above his head. I nearly swallow my tongue
as I watch the unintentional strip tease.

  I watch with breathless anticipation at his seductive movement, as I notice the dark pit hair, just enough to make me weak in the knees. Yeah, I’m a weirdo when it comes to a guy’s body hair. I love it, as long as it’s not like bear fur. I like just enough to slide my fingers through it everywhere. And I can’t wait to see what’s going on down below.

  While he’s occupied with his shirt, I lean in and bury my nose in his neck, licking at the rough bristle there underneath his jawline. My hands wander across his stomach, where I feel his abs clench and maybe even tremble. I test the waters by moving further south, fingering the button of his shorts. He inhales sharply as I fumble for a second but then undo the restrictive confinement.

  Taking a pause in my kisses – my lips and tongue now filled with his taste – I search his eyes. They’re half-lidded – a little needy and lustful – and I raise on my tip-toes and align my mouth with his, fusing our mouths together. It’s gentle yet passionate; filled with a promise for so much more.

  The air between us snaps and crackles with excitement and anticipation. All the build-up from the last month. It’s a levy breaking wide open between us and we’re being drenched in each other.

  I drag my hand over his stomach, my fingers playfully flicking around his navel before sliding down the solid muscle of his flat abs to brush over the other solid muscle below. He takes a sharp intake of breath and I add more pressure, palming his hard cock as I feel a tremor climb his spine.

  Continuing to apply pressure and rubbing friction where he needs it, Theo raises his hands and cups my jaw, as I part my lips so he can take possession of my mouth. We moan together; his sound a deep low bellow from his throat, as his tongue explores over my teeth, tasting and savoring me.

  My fingers curl over the hard ridge of his cock, and he increases the pressure of his kiss, biting my lower lip and tugging on it slightly, sending tingles down to my over stimulated.

  All I can think in this moment is that I want him to touch said lady bits. With his hands, his tongue, the stubble of his five o’clock shadow – and of course, with the ginormous prick in his pants.

  My fingers involuntarily squeeze and Theo pulls back abruptly, my lips left pouty, but feeling claimed and thoroughly used.

  “If you keep doing that…” he grits out, but I stop him by dropping to my knees in front of him, dragging the waistband of his shorts and briefs with me.

  “Oh Christ,” he murmurs and a liquid fire brews inside my belly knowing that I can do that to him.

  My eyes follow the material down to the floor as he steps out of his pants, one leg at a time, and when I lift my gaze back up, they align perfectly with his crotch. And sweet baby Jesus…

  Theo’s hard throbbing dick stands at attention, and I’m greeted with seven inches of glory, saluting me as if singing the Star-Spangled Banner on the Fourth of July.

  Because holy hell, there are going to be some explosions and fireworks tonight.

  My mouth waters from the sight of the smooth, tight skin of his cock; and I’m about to lean in and lick the tip which produces a bead of moisture, but his hands land on my shoulders to secure me in place.

  I look up from the objective of my affection as he waggles a finger in front of my face.

  “Uh-huh. Not yet.”

  Say what? Surely he’s not serious. What guy passes on a wet, hot blow job?

  He laughs and responds, which means I actually said that out loud.

  “I’m a gentleman and it’s ladies first.”

  His eyes blaze down at me as he scoops me up, gently placing me on the edge of the bed.

  “I’m going to get you naked and do wicked things to you. And then I’m going to fuck you so hard that you’ll be screaming my name so loudly, you’ll be glad it’s only your empty apartment next door.”

  I snicker as leans over me, clasping the bottom of my t-shirt and raising it up and off my body. Theo smirks, biting the corner of his lip as he takes me in. I squirm under the examination and glance down to see what he’s grinning about.

  Oh that’s right. I wore my see-through black lace bra and it leaves nothing to the imagination.

  Propping myself up on my elbows, my stomach clenches when he licks his lips and descends upon one of my breasts, flicking my nipple through the material.

  I may just pass out form the pleasure and torment.

  Moaning from the deliciousness of the action, my head drops back on the comforter with my eyes closed. I feel his hands reach around my back, fingertips skimming the valley indent between my shoulder blades before he deftly unsnaps my bra and removes it from my arms.

  “Shit, Joey. I knew you’d be gorgeous underneath all this, but I didn’t expect utter perfection,” he murmurs and my eyes pop open to watch him cup my breasts in both hands, plucking at the nipples before taking one in his mouth.

  It’s so exquisite and torturous I may just die upon orgasm. Simultaneously combust from the pleasure that unfolds within me.

  I’m so wet and ready for more.

  But I still have my shorts on. I watch with rapt attention as he dislodges his mouth from my nipple and I reach between us to unbutton my shorts. His hands slap mine away and take over with a guttural growl.

  He decides he wants to play, as his knuckles skim over the skin just above my waistband.

  Back and forth. Back and forth.

  My patience is waning thin.

  “You’re so perfectly soft, too. I’ve never felt skin so smooth. I think I might devour you.”

  No problem with that. As long as I get what I need.

  “You’re driving me crazy, Theo. Just do me now!”

  Evidently I get a little testy when I’m horny and anxious to be taken by this man. But come on, you’d be too. He’s completely naked and I’m not. I want to get this show on the road.

  He chuckles at my feistiness and then yanks my shorts down. Slipping them past my feet, he takes a foot in my hand and plants kisses on the top, up to my ankle, his tongue swiping a line up my calf. I quiver in response.

  He runs a hand up my calf, fingers playing at the back of my knee, gliding up my inner thigh until he reaches between my legs. His thumb traces the edges of my panties on both sides, making me squirm and wiggle under his ministrations.

  “Please, Theo. I need you.”

  He shrugs before he yanks my legs down, spreads them wide and blows a stream of air over my covered pussy.

  “Ahhh…”

  “Hmm…that’s too bad. But you’ve been driving me crazy with lust for weeks, so it’s only fair I get to take my time. Make this last.”

  But before I have a chance to argue any further, he hooks his thumb underneath the fabric and I feel a cool draft against my dampness. I gasp in delight, but it’s drowned out by his feral growl.

  And then it’s on like Donkey Kong.

  His mouth descends and sends me straight into orbit.

  I’m lost in every frantic sensation: from ecstasy to obliteration.

  And he’s only getting started.

  My phone ringing somewhere in the room jars me from my wet hot memories. Theo stirs a little, as I slowly and carefully inch off the bed, reaching for my panties and his t-shirt lying on the floor.

  Before sliding it over my head, I bring it up to my nose and take a deep inhale. His scene fills me with longing and lust.

  The ringing continues as my eyes dart around the room to find my purse on the chair in the corner. I pad over quietly, picking it up and stepping out into the hallway before closing the door with a soft click.

  Riffling inside, I grab hold and pull it out. I don’t even have to look at the display to know who it is.

  Mother.

  I answer. “Good morning, mom.”

  “Well, if it isn’t my long-lost daughter. You know, the one who never calls me? I was getting worried you’d been kidnapped by a serial killer. You could at the very least text me daily so I know you’re alive and well.”
r />   Normally I would be easily irritated with her overblown drama, but because I’m still floating on a tranquil sea of sexual fulfillment, I only see her love for me. I know she loves me in her own Mommie Dearest way.

  “Sorry, Mom. I’ve been busy and haven’t had much time.”

  She heaves a sigh. Here we go.

  “From that ridiculous play you’re involved with? The one where you don’t get paid? Darling, I don’t see why you are spending so much time on this silly little hobby. It will never get you anywhere.”

  Now I have to bite my lip from getting too lippy. Sometimes my mother just knows how to push my buttons.

  Recalling all the wonderful things Theo did with his hands last night helps bring me the serenity I need to keep from lashing out right now.

  “Mom, we talked about this. I’m doing fine. I’m making money at Felicia’s shop. And for once, I’m really enjoying it, having fun and really learning about myself in the process. It’s so liberating not having to deal with kids all day long.”

  “Darling,” she resumes, her voice turning that special tone she uses with me when she doesn’t agree. “I’m sure you are having fun with this extra-curricular activity of yours. But you need to remain focused. Maybe you should find a job teaching back home? Come take care of your mother and find an adoring man to marry. You know Martin is…”

  No, no. Must shut her down. If she brings up my old childhood neighbor one more time, I might just lose it.

  “Mother, you know I’ve never found Martin to be the least bit attractive. He used to eat his buggers, for God’s sake.”

  Just the thought skeezes me out. Not only would he eat ‘em, but he’d also try to wipe them on me. He rarely bathed and had a very distinct rotten egg odor to him. Granted, that was when we were in fourth grade, but still. One doesn’t get over that kind of disgust. Plus, he still lives with his own mother, even though he’s a grown man with a college degree.

  But somehow my mother always seems to overlook those little details, and sees him as some prize catch.

  “Fine, if not Martin, then someone else. You’re young, beautiful and intelligent. And I want some grand-babies sometime in the next five years. Can’t you at least give me that for all the support I’ve given you all these years?”